Heavier Things
by abbierena
Summary: Sequel to Room For Squares. Alex and Olivia belong to no one but each other, but Olivia still has a deep, dark secret from her past that she refuses to tell Alex. Will she finally let her in?
1. Clarity

"_But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain."_

The day after their high school graduation, Alex and Olivia planned on looking at apartments together. Alex had been accepted to Harvard and Olivia had been accepted to Boston University, so their intentions were to find an apartment midway between their schools. Their apartment hunting was also going to serve as a post-graduation getaway. They had never gotten a hotel room together and they planned on having a romantic evening complete with dinner at a nice restaurant followed by making love to each other until morning. The girls tried hard to be discreet, but Mr. and Mrs. Cabot saw the looks on their faces whenever they talked about their upcoming Boston trip and they knew Alex and Olivia had planned on doing much more than looking at apartments. Mr. Cabot, still worried about the purity of his now 18-year-old daughter, insisted on going with them as they looked at apartments. He told them it was because he didn't want their potential landlord taking advantage of them because they were teenagers and first-time renters, but Alex and Olivia knew it was because he didn't want them to have sex. Frank Cabot knew there was nothing he could do to stop his daughter from having sex with Olivia once they lived together, but if he could keep his daughter's purity in check for at least one more summer, he would be a happier man. What he didn't know and what he was better off not knowing is that after Alex and Olivia had officially become a couple they had sworn off sex until they were both 18, but the moment Alex turned 18, they began making love to each other every chance they were given. Sometimes they had a whole night together in Olivia's room, other times they were on borrowed time behind the bleachers of the football field. It was never about getting off or instant gratification, it was about _feeling _each other and sharing something that they had only ever given to each other. Alex and Olivia were falling deeper in love as the weeks passed, which is what worried Mr. and Mrs. Cabot. They knew Alex and Olivia were no different from how they were in high school, but they still worried about anyone breaking their little girl's heart no matter how much they loved and respected Olivia. Olivia was Alex's world and they shuddered to think what would happen if the two of them broke up.

Although they preferred the girls living in the dorms and avoiding adulthood for just a while longer, Mr. and Mrs. Cabot co-signed for the girls' studio apartment in Allston, which is right next to Boston University. Olivia had preferred Cambridge, not just anywhere in Cambridge, but an apartment in Cambridge that was within walking distance to Harvard. She had wanted them to live near Alex's school so she could walk Alex home from class and walk her home from the library after she finished studying for her finals and midterms. Cambridge was a safe city, but Olivia always felt better when she knew Alex was being protected and she knew no one was better at protecting Alex than she was. As happy as Alex was that Olivia wanted to protect her, she knew Allston was a better location because it was near Olivia's school. When asked why it was better to live near Olivia's school, Alex presented the argument that living near Harvard would only benefit them during midterms and finals, but Olivia was going to have late-night and early morning practices all the time once basketball season began and she didn't want her girlfriend to have a long commute after being exhausted from basketball practice or working out at the gym with her teammates. When Olivia tried to argue with her, Alex pointed out that if she insisted on protecting her, she could still take the bus or the subway to Harvard to pick her up when she had to stay late. Realizing she would still be able to protect Alex even if they didn't live in Cambridge, Olivia finally gave in.

Their apartment was the size of Alex's bedroom in Framingham, but they didn't mind because it was theirs and theirs alone. They could stay up as late as they wanted, eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast and, most importantly, make love whenever they wanted.

Mr. and Mrs. Cabot were involved in every aspect of planning for Alex and Olivia's new apartment. To save space, Mr. Cabot had suggested that the girls get bunk beds instead of two twin beds. Alex told them she preferred a queen size bed for the two of them to share and Mr. Cabot nearly had a heart attack. "No teenage daughter of mine is sharing a bed with anyone. I don't care if you two have been together for over a year already," he told her. Alex agreed to the bunk beds because the bottom bunk was slightly larger and she knew the two of them could share it and use the top bunk for storage until her parents visited. That's when they'd move whatever they had on the top bunk and make it look slightly messy as if someone were sleeping there every night. Alex had a feeling her parents would see right through that, but she felt it was worth a shot.

When move-in day came, Alex and Mr. and Mrs. Cabot helped Olivia move her belongings from her bedroom to the moving truck that was parked along the curb. Mrs. Cabot was furious with Olivia's mom for not being there to help her daughter move or even crying because her only child was leaving home for the first time, but Alex told her that Ms. Benson wasn't that kind of mother. Alex and Olivia had been a couple for nearly a year and a half and she had yet to meet Olivia's mom. Olivia told her it was for the best because she worried about losing Alex's love if she had ever met her mom. Alex reassured her that nothing could ever make her stop loving her, but seeing her girlfriend start to become teary-eyed made Alex drop the subject.

The drive from New York to Boston took five hours, but it would have taken less time had Mr. Cabot known how to properly drive a U-Haul truck. Throughout the entire drive, Alex feared for her girlfriend's safety. She was following behind them in a car with her mom while Olivia was in the truck with Mr. Cabot. Alex had wanted to ride with Olivia, but Mr. Cabot had insisted on having some alone time with Olivia so he could get to know her better. He loved Olivia as one of his own and Alex knew the real reason he wanted to ride with Olivia is because it was baseball season and the two of them were going to have another one of their Yankees vs. Red Sox debates. The two of them debated over everything sports-related. Mr. Cabot loved his Boston teams and Olivia was a die-hard fan of her New York teams. When the two of them got into it, Alex and Mrs. Cabot would just sit back and enjoy listening to their significant others make fools of themselves. What Alex refused to tell her dad was that Olivia had bought her a Yankees t-shirt and she occasionally wore it when they made love. Seeing it on her drove Olivia crazy and if that's what it took to have mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex with Olivia, Alex was more than willing to convert to what her father called "the dark side."

Moving all of their stuff into the apartment took slightly less than three hours. Mr. Cabot and Olivia easily assembled their bed and Mrs. Cabot and Alex unpacked the boxes while Mr. Cabot and Olivia did the rest of the heavy lifting. The four of them relaxed for awhile before Mr. and Mrs. Cabot told the girls it was time for them to check into their hotel room. Even though they would be seeing the girls the next day, Alex's parents had already started crying. They had 18 years to prepare for this moment, but that didn't make it any easier for them. Their little girl was now a young woman and living in another state instead of down the hall from them where they could make sure she's safe and cared for.

"Take care of my girl, Champ," Mr. Cabot said and shook hands with Olivia.

"I will, sir," Olivia said and then hugged Mr. Cabot. Alex knew her girlfriend wasn't the type to hug anyone other than her and Shawn so she was shocked when the two of them shared a moment.

"I'm trusting you with my princess," he said. "Promise you'll never break her heart."

"Alex _is _my heart," Olivia said, finally letting go from their hug.

"If you girls need anything—anything at all, don't be afraid to ask," Mrs. Cabot told them. "New York really isn't that far. Well, it is if Frank drives and gets lost in Connecticut again."

"Very funny, Jolene," he said, trying not to laugh.

"I love you," Alex said to her parents. "I'll always be your little girl, I promise."

"Come here," Mrs. Cabot said, pulling Olivia in for a hug. "You're my little girl now, too. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way, but even though you're my daughter's girlfriend, I feel like you're part of this family. I'm sorry about your mom, but you'll always have us—always, Olivia."

Alex saw her girlfriend hug her mom closer than she had ever seen her hug anyone before. The tears were streaming down her cheeks and she couldn't get a word out other than "thanks," but Olivia's gratitude really went without saying.

Not wanting her girlfriend to feel vulnerable, Alex went over to Olivia and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I love you," she whispered in her ear and saw Olivia immediately start to smile.

That night, the girls slept together in the bottom bunk of their bunk beds. They were wearing their pajamas instead of wearing anything sexy or even sleeping naked like they had originally planned. Instead of making love, Alex listened to Olivia talk about anything and everything she wanted because she knew it was important for her and because she genuinely enjoyed listening to whatever was on Olivia's mind. She hadn't fully opened up to Alex but she began telling her about the anxiety she felt whenever she slept at home and how relieved she was that she wouldn't have to feel that anymore. There was no yelling, no cursing, no worrying about what type of mood her mother was going to be in whenever she saw her. Instead, there was calm feeling that Olivia said she had never felt before. She fell asleep that night with her head on Alex's chest and she was overjoyed that their apartment was peaceful enough for her to fall asleep and be able to actually hear Alex's heartbeat. Alex wrapped her arms around her sleeping girlfriend and started to cry. Her girlfriend had experienced something horrible and she may or may not ever find out what it was, but she made a promise to herself to make sure Olivia was loved everyday for the rest of her life. She knew Olivia wanted to protect her, but in reality, Alex felt as if she was protecting Olivia, too.


	2. Bigger Than My Body

**A/N: Thanks for all of the fic love. It really means a lot to me and I'm glad you're enjoying the sequel. :)**

"_Someday I'll be so much damn more 'cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for."_

When Alex stepped onto the Harvard campus, she felt a range of emotions that she had never expected herself to feel. She had waited since junior high for this moment, but she was amazed by how fast the time flew by. It seemed like just yesterday she was taking her SATs and applying to schools with Olivia. Olivia had been there for her every step of the way from the SATs to the application process to the moment she received her acceptance letter. Once she read that she had been accepted to Harvard's Class of 2007, Alex let out a squeal that made Olivia start to smile uncontrollably. Seeing her girlfriend smile like that made Alex pounce on top of her and smother her with kisses. It was an innocent gesture, but Mr. and Mrs. Cabot were far from thrilled when they saw their daughter on top of Olivia. The four of them went out to dinner that night, but what they didn't know is that Alex and Olivia had their own celebration _after _dinner.

The memory of making love to Olivia that night was what Alex was reflecting on as she walked to her first class. Alex didn't know how, but Olivia was always able to make her smile even when she wasn't on the same campus. The two of them had only been at the same school for their senior year and half of their junior year, but they had started to become dependent on each other. Other than Shawn and Sarah, Alex and Olivia had no other friends or acquaintances. Olivia found it easier to keep to herself in order to avoid people's curiosity about her home life and all Alex wanted to do was spend time with Olivia. Being together in Boston only made the two even more attached to each other. Alex thought about how Olivia's day was going and she began wishing the two of them could be at the same school like they were last year. She hoped she was having a good day, but at the same time she hoped Olivia was missing her just as much as she was missing Olivia.

Alex's first class was uneventful. She had expected more out of her first class as a college student, but all her professor did was pass out a syllabus and go over the class rules, which Alex thought were all self-explanatory. They were let out an hour early and Alex had no idea how to occupy her time. She could have bought her books but she didn't want to carry them on the subway without any help. She thought about calling Olivia but she figured Olivia would be in class, so she went over to Starbucks in Harvard Square and decided to write in her diary. Her diary had become her only outlet and it contained everything about her relationship with Olivia that she couldn't tell anyone else. Every time they made love, she wrote about it. Every time Olivia tried some new kissing technique on her, she wrote about it. She would have loved to be able to tell someone—_anyone_—about her relationship with Olivia, but she didn't feel right talking to Shawn and Sarah because they were Olivia's friends and she definitely couldn't tell her mom about her most intimate moments with her girlfriend.

As Alex sipped on her latte and wrote about life with her Olivia, she felt as if someone was staring at her. Alex hated that feeling, especially when she didn't know where or whom the stares were coming from. Was something wrong with her? Were they trying to warn her about something? It was enough to nearly give her an anxiety attack, so she packed up her diary and prepared to leave. Her backpack had just been zipped up when two Abercrombie-clad blonde girls approached her table. One of them put her hand on top of Alex's backpack and Alex didn't even have to look up at her face to know whose it was. She recognized the perfectly manicured fingernails on one and smelled the Dolce & Gabbana perfume on the other. Alex wanted to get out of there immediately, but she knew she was trapped now.

"Alex," one of them said rather curtly.

"Ashley, Amber," Alex said and flashed them a nervous smile. "It's great to see you again."

"Cut the crap, Alex. Why haven't you returned any of our calls?" Ashley asked.

"You haven't talked to us since that time you came to Framingham right before your 17th birthday," Amber pointed out. "I thought we were best friends. We were the AAAs, Alex, and then you just started ignoring us."

"And we would have still been best friends had you just accepted me for who I am," Alex told them. Her left hand was now firmly placed on the table and she began to think of a way to get out of the conversation. She had always expected Ashley and Amber to go to Harvard; the three of them had planned it since they were in junior high, but she had always assumed that Harvard was big enough for her to never run into them. She knew there was really no talking to these girls and she didn't want to get into an argument about her sexuality in the middle of Starbucks with two girls she hadn't seen since she lived in Framingham.

"Alex, we know you're gay and we don't care," Amber told her.

"Yeah, it's fine as long as you're not hitting on us," Ashley added.

Alex was starting to become furious. It was the statement that she had always dreaded and she couldn't—actually, she _could_—believe it was coming from her one of her former best friends.

"If you saw my girlfriend, you'd know that you aren't exactly my type, Ashley," Alex responded. She tried to leave, but the two of them still had her trapped.

"I know you would never hit on us," Amber insisted. "And I'm sure your girlfriend is—"

"Is it still that same Olivia girl?" Ashley asked. "Oh, Alex, I hope not. You're so beautiful and she's—she's…I don't know. We saw a picture of you two on LiveJournal in 11th grade. You know, _before _you deleted us. Why is her hair so short? And she's so obsessed with basketball. She's like a boy, Alex. If you like girls like that, why don't you just date a guy? You're really pretty and I know guys like you."

"But I don't like guys!" Alex said angrily. "Get that through your head. I'm in love with Olivia. I'm in love with _her _personality, _her _body, and _her _looks."

"I think she's hot," Amber blurted out. Alex knew that Amber wanted to say something in addition to that comment, but Ashley had already looked at her friend and gave her a disgusted look. Once Amber received Ashley's disapproval, she always stopped talking and shamefully looked down. It had been like that since they were kids and it would probably be like that for the duration of their friendship.

"Why don't you let her think for herself?" Alex asked Ashley. "You're always imposing your will on everyone and I used to go along with it, but I stopped that when I moved to New York and I'm not going to start again. I can't believe I'm even arguing this with you. This conversation is over."

Alex gently pushed Ashley out of her way and took off to Harvard Station. She had another class in half an hour and she knew it would look bad if she missed the first class session, but she suddenly didn't care. All Alex wanted was to go home, cuddle up to Olivia and tell her everything that had just happened. She wasn't even sure if Olivia was home yet, but she knew she'd be there eventually and she could be alone until then.

Alex grabbed her transit pass from her backpack and was about to head downstairs when she heard someone call her name. Instead of it being Ashley again, Alex was thrilled to hear that it was the only person she wanted calling her name right now.

"Olivia!" Alex said excitedly. "Sweetheart, what are you doing here?" Alex nearly pounced on her, but Olivia was able to hold her balance. Before she answered any questions, Olivia led her over to a nearby seating area and sat down with her girlfriend. Alex wasted no time scooting closer to Olivia and wrapping Olivia's arms around her.

"I only have one class today," Olivia reminded her.

"Yeah, but the commute is 40 minutes long and you got here so soon," Alex pointed out.

"I found a new route," Olivia told her. "The 66 bus takes you from BU all the way to Harvard station in less than half the time it would take on the subway. My adorable Boston tour guide neglected to tell me that."

"Your adorable Boston tour guide didn't even know that," Alex said in her defense. "So, it took you 15 minutes to get here?"

"Yup," Olivia responded. "But I'd have come here regardless. I love you, Alex, and I'd even endure multiple subway transfers to be with you."

"Olivia?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"I think that's the most romantic thing you could ever say to me," Alex told her girlfriend as she gave her a sideways hug.

"…good," Olivia said hesitantly for lack of a better response. "Don't you have class right now?"

"I'm not going."

"And why not?" Olivia asked, breaking their embrace and scooting away from Alex so she could get a look at her.

"Why did you do that?" Alex asked.

"Because my hugs are only for my girlfriend, Alex, and mygirlfriend would never miss class," Olivia said. Alex couldn't tell if she was being playful or serious, but what she did know is that she wanted those hugs and she would do anything for them.

"Okay," Alex said reluctantly. "I'll go."

Olivia pulled her in one more time. "You've worked so hard to get here and I don't want you to blow it because someone upset you. You don't even have to tell me for me to know that someone upset you, Alex. I can see it on your face, but to hell with them. I'm going to walk you to class and I'm going to do my homework outside of your classroom while I wait so I'll be the first person you see when you get out. After that, you and I are going to spend the rest of the day and night together and you can tell me what's bothering you."

The thought of spending so much time with Olivia was what kept Alex going. Her class session only lasted 45 minutes but it felt like an eternity for her. The moment it was finished, she hurried outside and saw Olivia waiting for her just as she had promised. Olivia had suggested that they go to the park, but Alex wasn't in the mood to be around anyone other than her girlfriend. Instead, they went home and attempted to make dinner together as opposed to going out for pizza like they had been doing ever since they moved to Boston. Their macaroni and cheese was soggy and tasted like water, but Alex and Olivia didn't mind too much. It was the first dinner they had made in their new apartment and they couldn't help but be proud of themselves. It was a learning experience for them—all of this was, but they knew everything was going to get better with time.

When they were lying in bed that night, Olivia asked Alex what was bothering her, but Alex refused to say anything. She knew she was being ridiculous, but she started to feel as if her problems were petty compared to what Olivia was hiding, so she decided on not telling her anything about the confrontation with her former best friends.

"Alex?" Olivia asked as she was holding on to her girlfriend.

"Yes?"

"You've said this to me countless times and now I'm going to say it to you," Olivia began. "Whatever is bothering you, you can tell me about it when you're ready."

"Okay," Alex said, hoping Olivia couldn't sense the quiver in her voice. Her girlfriend had told her that she had had a great day at school and she was excited about college and, even though she was happy for Olivia, she wished she could even feel _half _as excited as Olivia was. She was facing her second sleepless night in a row, but there was no way she was going to wake her girlfriend up. Olivia was already in a deep sleep so Alex decided to wrap her arm around Olivia and think about what her future would be like. It was just a means of escape, but in those fantasies of hers Alex was the big shot lawyer she had always dreamed of being and she was good at what she did. As of now, she was a teenager, an undergrad, and a loner, but it wasn't always going to be that way; she was sure of it.


	3. Something's Missing

"_When autumn comes, it doesn't ask. It just walks in where it left you last. You never know when it starts until there is fog inside the glass around your summer heart."_

When September approached, Alex and Olivia were still getting used to life in Boston. The two of them had wanted to spend time with Shawn, but it was football season and, since he played for a Division I team, they knew their time with Shawn would be sporadic until the season ended. He had offered the girls discounted tickets to the game, but Olivia joked about how it was wrong to have to pay $40 to see her best friend play football when she was able to see him play for free last year. She may have joked around with him, but she knew eventually she'd swallow her pride and pay to see one of his games, especially because Boston University didn't have a football team and Alex insisted on never going to a Harvard game because Ivy League football just wasn't real college football in her opinion.

Alex had been at Harvard for a few weeks now and yet nothing had changed. She enjoyed her classes and her professors were some of the most intelligent people she had ever met, but she still felt as if something was missing. She'd see groups of girls or even pairs of girls walking together and she longed for those days when she was a part of a group instead of being the lonely girl who spent time by herself between classes. She could always call Olivia—she knew she could, but she didn't want to become _clingy_. The two of them lived together and spent every waking moment together after school—what if that was too much for Olivia and she'd start to feel smothered? _No_, Alex thought, _my girlfriend isn't like that._

She took her phone out of the front pocket of her backpack and decided to call Olivia. She had expected the call to go to voicemail or to ring a few times so she was surprised when Olivia answered before the first ring even finished.

"Sweetheart?" Olivia asked.

"I just needed to hear your voice," Alex confessed. "You make me happy, Olivia."

"You make me happy, too, and you know that's quite an accomplishment."

"I didn't always make you happy," Alex reminded her. "I can recall a few times in the 11th grade when you said you never wanted to speak to me again."

"But you didn't give up on me and I know you never will. Speaking of those moments in the 11th grade, I just realized I can't do that anymore. Not speaking to you would make things very awkward in our apartment."

"Not really," Alex teased. She quickly looked around to make sure no one was listening to her conversation. "We can still make love without any words."

"Oh, really?" Olivia asked playfully. "I know from personal experience that _you _are very vocal in bed."

"Olivia!"

"I'm sorry," Olivia said even though she wasn't the least bit sorry for what she had said. "I have to get to class. I'll pick you up in about three hours."

"Olivia?"

"What's up?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too. Now stop acting like you're never gonna see me again."

Just like that, Olivia had hung up her phone. It wasn't rude, although most people would beg to differ. Alex just knew that was _Olivia_. She didn't try hard to impress people or go out of her way to get everyone to like her. When it came to Olivia Benson, it was strictly a 'love me or leave me' situation and Alex couldn't help but love her.

With a dreamy look on her face, Alex walked to the Starbucks in Harvard Square to spend the next hour or so sipping a caramel frappuccino until her class started. Once she had her drink and found a table, she pulled out one of her textbooks and started reading. It wasn't the quietest place to read, but she didn't feel like writing in her diary and she had no one to text now that Olivia was in class so reading was her only other option. She was deeply involved in her Early American History textbook when she heard a girl's voice ask if she could sit down with her.

_Of all the coffee shops in Cambridge, she just had to choose this one_, Alex thought.

"Amber."

"Hi," Amber said nervously. "Look, I'm sorry about last time."

"Where's Ashley?" Alex asked, more concerned with whether or not she was going to get bombarded again.

"She runs with a new crowd," Amber informed her. "It's just me now."

"Oh," Alex said, still suspicious. "Sit."

Without hesitation, Amber sat down on the chair in front of Alex. "I was hoping we could talk."

"Aren't we talking now?" Alex asked sarcastically.

"Right," Amber said awkwardly. "I miss you, Alex."

"So, what happened with Ashley?"

"She caught me kissing someone," Amber said and nearly started to cry.

"Who was it?" Alex asked, finally showing interest in the conversation. "Was it her boyfriend?"

"It wasn't her boyfriend…or a boy. Ashley saw me kissing a girl and she freaked. She said she never wanted to speak to me again and she hasn't. She said, 'I'd expect this from someone like Alex, but not you' and that's when I went off on her. You're not a bad person, Alex, and neither am I. We're just not like her."

Alex nearly spit out her coffee at the mention of her former best friend kissing a girl. _It couldn't be. It just couldn't_, she thought.

"Amber, I—"

"I know what you're going to say," Amber began. "But think about it, Alex. I've had so many boyfriends—good-looking boyfriends—and I never wanted to do anything with them other than kiss and hold hands, but it was always so innocent. When I kissed Brittany, I felt as if my whole body was on fire. That's how passionate it was."

"That's how it is with Olivia," Alex confessed. "When she kisses me, I feel it everywhere."

"And you just want to rip her clothes off."

"Yes!" Alex told her. "Or she'll rip mine off and—"

Alex was about to finish her statement until she saw a few guys in Harvard t-shirts listening a little too closely to their conversation.

"Let's get out of here," Amber told her. The girls quickly packed up their belongings and made their way to Amber's next class.

"Did you and Brittany—"

"No," Amber interrupted and Alex noticed her friend's facial expression start to change. "She hasn't talked to me since Ashley caught us. She said she doesn't want to be the one to bring me out of the closet."

"You're not in the closet," Alex told her. "You honestly didn't know or even suspect this. Being gay isn't something that was really talked about at our high school and even if you're out, you run the risk of being bullied every single day. That's why I never told anyone at school other than you two and look what happened even when I did _that_."

"How did you know?" Amber asked.

"My parents told me," Alex said and started laughing. "It's almost like they were thrilled that I'm gay."

"Your parents told you?"

"Yeah, when I was twelve. I thought something was wrong with me, so the three of us sat down and had a talk. Puberty sucks, regardless, but it's even more confusing when you're gay. I told them that I was thinking about sex a lot and my dad nearly had a heart attack. Then I told them that when I think about sex it's always me with another girl and my dad said, 'Look at it this way, Jolene, at least she won't get pregnant.' I just sat there with absolutely no idea what was going on. I was _twelve_ and sex was still a combination of exciting and disgusting. Then they confused me even more by telling me I was gay. We had a three-hour long talk about heterosexuality and homosexuality and even bisexuality and how neither of them is better than the other and that love is beautiful whether a person loves a man or a woman. Then my dad finished up the conversation with, 'I'm glad we had this talk, princess, and just so you know, if I find out you've had sex before marriage I'm putting a chastity belt on you.'"

"He did _not _say that," Amber said in disbelief.

"Oh, he did," Alex insisted. "He's even said things like that in front of Olivia."

"And she's still around."

"Olivia's in it for the long run and so am I," Alex told her.

"I don't think my parents will react the same way yours did," Amber said quietly.

"And that's why you shouldn't tell them unless you're ready," Alex insisted. "It's a personal decision that you—and only you—can make. No one can force you, Amber. Any girl who calls you a closet case isn't worth your time or your affection. There are plenty of girls out there who would love to have you as a girlfriend."

"You're lucky, Alex. Olivia is so hot."

"Yeah, she is," Alex said dreamily. "Her body, the way her hair is so perfectly cropped, her gorgeous brown eyes, and most importantly the way she only has eyes for me."

"Does she have a twin?" Amber asked and the two of them started laughing.

When the girls reached Amber's classroom, they quickly exchanged numbers. Their past may have been rocky but Alex wasn't going to abandon her friend in her time of need. She told her she could call her anytime whether it was for advice or just to talk. They made plans to hang out with each other on campus whenever they had breaks and Amber invited Alex to hang out in her dorm whenever Olivia was at the gym or if she ever needed to get away. Alex eagerly hugged Amber before she went into her classroom and it actually felt _right_. For the first time ever, Alex had a friend who not only had similar interests, but a friend she could be herself around.

Her next class was a science class that she had no interest in, but the thought of Olivia made the session go by faster. Once the class ended, she hurried over to Harvard Station. Olivia was leaning against a newsstand and Alex nearly squealed the moment she saw her.

"Olivia!" She said excitedly as she ran to her girlfriend.

"Someone is excited," Olivia said playfully, her girlfriend now wrapped up in her arms. "Good day at school?"

"The best," Alex told her. "I'm so happy to see you."

"I'm happy to see you, too."

"Do you feel like going home?" Alex asked.

"Not really," Olivia responded.

"Good," Alex told her. "I'm taking you to the river."

Alex's favorite spot by the river was only three stops away from Harvard Station, so the girls made it there in no time. Not caring who was watching, Alex grabbed Olivia by the hand and led her to the grassy area by the dock. For being such a nice day, there weren't that many people nearby. It didn't matter to Alex, though. She wasn't there so she could be around other people. She had other intentions.

"Do you want to sit on that bench?" Olivia asked.

"No," Alex said, completely unable to control how much she was smiling. "I want you to lie down on the grass."

Once Olivia lied down, Alex immediately lied next to her and cuddled up to her girlfriend. "This feels nice."

"Perfect," Olivia told her. "Fresh air, the woman I love, it doesn't get any better than this."

"Yes, it does," Alex said and started to delicately kiss her.

"That's much better," Olivia said and kissed her in return.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being such a great girlfriend," Alex told her. "You're not even trying to be a great girlfriend, though. You're just being you and that's what makes everything even better. I know you really love me."

"I'm always going to love you, Alexandra."

She had used her full name and the sound of her name coming out of Olivia's mouth always melted her. She cuddled up even closer to Olivia and gave her a playful kiss on the cheek, which made Olivia smile.

"I should be the one thanking you," Olivia admitted. "You've made me want to be a better person."

"You've always been a good person," Alex told her, which made Olivia smile even more. "I'm so lucky to have you, even Amber says so."

"Amber?" Olivia asked. "Your friend from Farmingtown?"

"Framingham, babe," Alex corrected even though she knew it was still useless to correct Olivia when she was making fun of her hometown. "We had a bit of a breakthrough today and she wishes you had a twin."

"You and I have _a lot_ to talk about, don't we?" Olivia asked.

Alex started to fill her in on everything that had happened earlier and Olivia was thrilled with how excited her girlfriend was. Olivia suggested that they all hang out and even joked about her 'pimp status' because she had two gorgeous blondes who wanted her. After hearing that, Alex pretended to be upset, but Olivia pulled her closer and refused to let her get away no matter how much Alex tried.

"I just can't believe it," Alex said. "_Amber _is a lesbian."

"It takes all kinds," Olivia said while playfully kissing her girlfriend's neck.

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend, too, Alex."

With that being said, Alex rested her head on Olivia's chest and listened to her heart beating.


	4. New Deep

"_I'm so alive. I'm so enlightened. I can barely survive a night in my mind."_

Ever since she had reconciled with Amber, Alex began to enjoy living in Boston even more than she thought she would. She wasn't having the traditional college experience; she wasn't living in a dorm, she wasn't joining a sorority, and she wasn't binge-drinking, but she was having the experience that was right for her. Her days were spent with Amber and her nights were spent with the love of her life.

Olivia was putting in longer hours at the gym and Alex felt as if she was the reaping the benefits of that. There was so much tone and definition in Olivia's body and Alex noticed that her girlfriend now had better coordination and muscle control, which greatly improved their already perfect sex life. Olivia could last for hours and Alex would find herself trying so hard to keep up with her girlfriend's extremely active libido. Having their own place allowed for them to try new positions and take their time with each other and, although she would admit it to no one other than Amber, Olivia was bringing out a side of her that she had no idea existed.

"Alex Cabot has become some sort of sex maniac," Amber said to her one afternoon while they were hanging out in her dorm.

Alex started blushing and covered her face with a pillow. "I can't help it. Olivia is such a stud."

"I would give anything to have your life, Alex," Amber admitted as she cuddled up to her friend. "Do you think I could borrow Olivia for just one night?"

"No way! I'm not sharing my girlfriend with anyone, not even my best friend."

"It's not fair," Amber scoffed. "You get hour after hour of passionate love-making every night with Olivia Benson the sex god and I'm still a virgin."

"There's nothing wrong with being a virgin," Alex insisted. "And the reason sex is so great with Olivia is because we love each other so much and we want to express to each other _physically _what we feel for each other _emotionally_. Olivia and I both saved ourselves for each other. We were each other's first _everything_. There's no hurry to lose your virginity. If you lose it to anyone but the right girl, it won't be as special. Olivia and I were so awkward and clumsy our first time, but it was special because we were in love and we respected each other."

"Did it hurt?"

"A little," Alex admitted. "But Olivia was gentle and she kept reassuring me that we were in this together and that she'd still love me even if I wanted to stop."

"It seems like you're Olivia's world," Amber said dreamily. "I want that kind of relationship."

"I wouldn't let you settle for anything less," Alex told her. "But there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Olivia knows this really gorgeous girl—"

"You had me at gorgeous girl," Amber interrupted. "Whatever you were going to ask, the answer is yes."

That is why Alex found herself getting ready for a party on Halloween night instead of cuddled up on the couch watching horror movies with Olivia like they had originally planned. Alex was never one to go to parties—she had actually never been invited to one before—but the teammate they wanted Amber to meet was going to be at the Halloween party and, as a freshman, Olivia really couldn't refuse to attend.

Not wanting to wear a traditional couples' costume, Olivia decided to dress as John Travolta in _Saturday Night Fever _and Alex was her female disco dancer complete with heels, a gauzy dress, and '70s hair.

"You look so beautiful," Olivia told Alex once her costume was complete. "I'd kiss you, but I'm afraid of smudging your lipstick."

"Smudge away, handsome," Alex insisted. What she wasn't expecting was for Olivia to dip her and nibble on her neck instead of giving her an innocent kiss on the lips.

"You smell so good," Olivia said as she continued to nibble on Alex's neck.

"Babe, you're getting me worked up," Alex confessed. "If you keep this up, I'm not going to let us leave this apartment tonight."

"I wish we didn't have to," Olivia admitted. "I want you all to myself."

"I want you all to myself, too. I love you, Olivia."

"I love you, too, Alex."

They had planned on introducing Amber and Erin to each other at the party, but once Amber saw a picture of Erin and Erin saw a picture of Amber, the two of them couldn't wait. Alex gave Olivia Amber's phone number so she could give it to Erin and they decided to hang out within hours of the first text message they had sent each other. Their first date was at a coffee shop, as Alex and Olivia suggested, because it would give them an opportunity to talk to each other in a comfortable setting. They were inseparable after their first date, which is exactly what Alex was hoping for. She wanted Amber to meet a girl who would treat her right and she hoped Erin would be that girl.

When they arrived at the party, they were greeted by Amber and Erin who were already holding hands. They were wearing a couples' costume and Olivia just looked at her girlfriend and started shaking her head.

"Look what we created," Olivia told her.

"I think they're cute," Alex responded. "They may be dressed like Hugh Hefner and a Playboy Bunny, but they're still cute."

"Hi!" Amber said excitedly as she gave Alex and Olivia a hug. "It's so nice to meet you, Liv."

"Nice to meet you, too," Olivia told her. "Erin, this is my Alex."

"She's so beautiful," Erin told Olivia. "Almost as beautiful as Amber."

"No one is as beautiful as you," Amber told Erin.

"Wanna dance?" Erin asked her. The moment Amber said yes, the two of them were back on the dance floor.

Alex and Olivia looked around and saw scantily clad girls, binge-drinking, and people gay and straight having sex on couches, against the wall, and in the bathroom. It wasn't the night they were hoping for and they began to think they weren't cut out for these wild college parties.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Olivia asked.

"But you have to be here for your teammates, babe."

"I don't care," Olivia told her. "Are you having fun?"

"No. Are you?"

"Not at all," Olivia admitted.

"Do you want to cuddle by the river?"

"I think you just read my mind," Olivia said and gave her a quick kiss. She was still afraid of smudging Alex's lipstick no matter how many times Alex said it was okay.

They had invited Amber and Erin, but the two of them had their own post-Halloween party plans. Erin had grown up in Florida, so she was new to the area and Amber had suggested they take the nighttime tour of Boston's most haunted spots. The tour sounded fun and Alex and Olivia were invited, but Olivia insisted on spending some time alone because she had something special planned for Alex that night.

They found an empty bench near the river and Alex wasted no time cuddling up to Olivia. It was a chilly night, so Olivia took off her blazer and gave it to Alex who gratefully put it on.

"Why didn't you like the party?" Alex asked.

"I don't know. I kept looking at those girls and it made me grateful that you aren't them. You could be wearing lingerie like they are, but you're not. You're so classy and elegant and you only show your body to me. You have no idea how sexy I think that is. You could wear jeans and a sweater and still be able to turn me on more than any of those half-naked girls."

Alex started blushing. "You're my girlfriend. You have to say that."

"Even if you weren't my girlfriend, I would take one look at you and think, 'there's a girl I have to meet. There's a girl I could see myself loving for the rest of my life.'"

"What a coincidence. I plan on having you love me for the rest of your life," Alex teased.

"Alex?"

"Yes, babe?"

"There's something I want to give you," Olivia said nervously. Judging by the nervousness in her girlfriend's voice and the subject they had just talked about, Alex had an idea what Olivia was going to give her and she began to wonder if she was ready for such a commitment. She was only 18-years-old, but so were her parents when they got married and they were still happy, maybe even happier than ever and they were still crazy about each other. She and Olivia could be the same way.

"What is it, babe?" Alex asked as she saw her girlfriend digging through her pocket for something. When she pulled out a ring with their two birthstones in the shape of hearts, she had no idea how to react. It wasn't an engagement ring, but she knew it was just as special.

"I know we're too young to get married," Olivia told her and her voice started to shake. "But this is still a symbol of my love for you. It's a promise ring and by giving it to you it means I promise to always love you, respect you, cherish you, and be faithful to you for as long as you'll have me."

"So, forever?" Alex asked as she tried not to cry. Once Olivia slipped the ring on her finger, there was no holding back. It was the perfect moment with the perfect girl and all Alex wanted to do was kiss her.

"I had our names and our anniversary engraved on the inside of the band," Olivia told her. "I wanted everything on it to be one-of-a-kind just like you are."

"It's so perfect, Olivia," Alex said as she continued to admire her ring and the girl who gave it to her. "I can't wait to tell my mom and dad."

"They already know," Olivia told her.

"They know?"

"Yeah," Olivia said and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Who do you think helped me design this? I asked for permission to give you a promise ring the day after graduation and your mom was so excited that we started designing this right away. I've been holding onto this ring since we were in New York and I was just waiting for the perfect moment to give it to you."

The girls spent the next hour cuddling by the river until Alex suggested that they take the haunted tour after all. She was having the greatest night of her life and she wanted to share her happiness with the world.


	5. Come Back To Bed

"_I survive on the breath you are finished with."_

Thanksgiving weekend approached faster than Alex had hoped for and it was all so bittersweet for her. She hadn't seen her parents since she moved into her apartment and she was excited to see them, but she was sad about not being able to sleep next to Olivia. The Cabot family always had Thanksgiving dinner at Alex's grandparents' house in Natick and this year was going to be no different. Alex's grandparents knew all about Olivia and they accepted her as one of their own. Whenever they took Alex out for dinner, Olivia was always invited. The day after Olivia had given Alex a promise ring, Alex's grandparents had taken the two of them out to celebrate. Olivia hadn't proposed to her, but Alex's grandparents had treated it as if Olivia had. They had never seen their granddaughter so happy and her happiness was rubbing off on them. While they were eating, they asked Olivia about school and her plans for the future. Olivia excitedly answered until they started asking questions about marriage and having children. Alex knew Olivia wanted to marry her—it went without saying, but what they had never discussed was having children. Alex wanted a house full of little Bensons someday. She imagined some of them being blonde and blue-eyed like her and others being brunettes with brown eyes like Olivia. If Olivia didn't want to give birth, she would be her surrogate. Alex knew it would be painful, but having a little Olivia would be worth it. She wondered if their children would grow up in Boston or if the two of them would move back to New York before when they were ready to start a family. She daydreamed about their hypothetical family all the time and she had even brought it up to Amber who was already planning on being like an aunt to Alex's children. Alex practically glowed every time she talked to Amber about her future Benson babies. She had already decided on having four kids with Olivia, but soon four wasn't enough and she decided that six was even better. She knew six was a little much, but she was falling so hard for Olivia that she wasn't able to rationalize anything she was feeling. The only problem was she still hadn't told Olivia about the plans she was already making.

"Are you sure you can't spend this weekend with me?" Alex asked when Olivia was packing her clothes for the weekend.

"I'd love to, sweetheart, but my mom wants me home."

"But you belong with me."

"Not according to her," Olivia pointed out. "She'd call me an ungrateful little bitch if I didn't show up."

Alex took the shirt out of Olivia's hand and set it down on the suitcase. She wanted to make sure she was looking into Olivia's eyes when she said this. "It bothers me that she calls you names and it bothers me even more that you let her."

"I don't let her," Olivia said defensively.

"I'm sorry," Alex told her as she lied down on their bed.

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"We have one more night together," Alex pointed out. She began spreading her legs and hoping that Olivia would look. It was cold in their apartment, but she had a feeling Olivia knew exactly how to warm her up.

"Alex, you're—"

"…not wearing anything under my skirt," Alex said seductively.

Without a warning, Olivia gripped Alex's thighs and pulled her toward the edge of the bed. It wasn't like Olivia to be so rough with her, so Alex was taken by surprise. Instead of their gentle caresses or even any foreplay, Olivia forcefully inserted two fingers inside of Alex. Being on her knees next to the bed prevented her from seeing Alex wince, but Alex was wishing she could. She had never objected to anything Olivia had ever done because it always made her feel so loved and so connected to Olivia, but this was different; this was something she had to put a stop to.

"Babe?" Alex said meekly, hoping to get her girlfriend's attention. She called out again and Olivia still wasn't even looking at her. After Alex called her a third time, Olivia removed her fingers from inside of Alex and wiped them on the comforter instead of licking off Alex's wetness like she usually did.

Alex heard the sound of her girlfriend sobbing and she felt a tear drop on her inner thigh. The rough side of Olivia had vanished and she was now resting her head on Alex's thigh. Alex was rendered speechless. She wanted to hold Olivia, but she knew better than to do that. Over the past year and a half, Alex learned that she could never hold Olivia when she was crying. If she was crying, she was feeling vulnerable, and feeling vulnerable was something Alex knew Olivia hated to experience. Being vulnerable made her feel like she had relinquished all control in her life and she was likely to say something she usually wouldn't say. Olivia's vulnerability was a dangerous territory for Alex and all she could do was wait for Olivia to realize that she needed her.

"Did I hurt you?" Olivia asked, the two of them still unable to make eye contact with each other.

Alex ran her fingertips along Olivia's cropped hair. It was slightly shorter than it was in high school and Alex was apt to admit that she preferred Olivia's cleanly cropped hair over the shaggy look she had during their senior year. Alex was intrigued when she thought about the contrasts between the two of them—her fair skin and Olivia's olive skin, her blonde hair and blue eyes and Olivia's brown hair and brown eyes, her femininity and Olivia's masculinity. They were two perfect halves of a whole and, although it was risky to try to hold Olivia, she knew her other half needed her.

"Did I hurt you?" Olivia repeated, breaking the silence and bringing Alex back to reality.

"Yes," Alex admitted. "Where were you just now?"

"I don't know," Olivia told her. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry I hurt you. You know I'd never—"

It was the moment of truth for Alex. She could either listen to an explanation or she could save her girl's pride. This time she would choose the latter and patiently wait for any information Olivia was willing to give her.

"I know you'd never hurt me," Alex interrupted. It worked, her lack of questions worked. Olivia lifted herself up from the side of the bed and went over to Alex where she immediately rested her head on Alex's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said quietly.

"I know Amber and Erin like it rough sometimes, but they're not us," Alex teased. She gave her girlfriend a kiss on the cheek and watched as Olivia gave her a half-smile.

She hoped Olivia would say something, but she remained quiet as she wrapped her arms around Alex. Instead of being calm and relaxed the way she usually was when Olivia held her, Alex's mind began racing. This wasn't like her girlfriend. There was no anger, no frustration; there was only sadness in Olivia.

"I don't know where I was," Olivia admitted. "I wanted to make love to you—be gentle with you and caress you, but I wasn't. It's like I was just going through the motions."

"Going through the motions?"

"It's as if I wasn't into it," Olivia told her. "I wanted to get it over with."

Alex looked to her side and noticed that Olivia was now crying even more. "Babe, if there's ever a time you don't want to make love, please let me know. There's nothing worse than being forced and I want our lovemaking to be something that we both enjoy. Yes, it's important, but there are other ways for us to express our love for each other. Sometimes, it's more than our actions. Expressing our love for each other can also be in the things we say."

"I want to go to Natick with you," Olivia said out of nowhere. "I want to eat sugar cookies with you as we're lying in a pile of fallen leaves, hear your dad lecture us about pre-marital sex, see the expression on your mom's face as she sees your promise ring on you for the first time, listen to your grandpa's war stories, and then hear your grandma tell us not to listen to him because he never actually fought in a war. You have to admit they're good stories even though he never fought."

"They are," Alex told her. "My favorite is the time he saved his entire platoon and his lieutenant."

Olivia started laughing. "And then your grandma told him he ripped that off of _Forrest Gump_."

"This is why you should go with me to Natick," Alex pointed out. "They'd love to see you again. Whenever I call my grandparents, they're always talking about you and how great you are for me and how they can't wait to see you again."

"I can't, Alex," Olivia said sadly. "I have to visit my mom. I don't want to visit her but I have to."

At the mere mention of her mother, Alex saw Olivia start to tense. Her fists were clenched so tight that her knuckles were turning white.

"Liv?"

"What?" Olivia asked as she covered her eyes.

Alex uncovered Olivia's eyes and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She tasted the saltiness of her tears, something she had hoped she'd never taste again. Olivia being sad and vulnerable was almost too much for her. "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Please don't hide them."

"Alex?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I love you so much. I never thought it was possible to feel this way, but I do."

"I know, babe," Alex reassured her. "I feel the same way about you."

Alex turned around so she was face-to-face with Olivia. Her hands were cold, but she hoped Olivia wouldn't mind too much. As Olivia was leaning in to her, Alex ran her hand up the back of Olivia's sweater so she could feel her bare skin. She may have been a strong young woman, but Olivia's skin was soft to the touch and all Alex wanted to do was feel her.

"I'm afraid of seeing her again," Olivia admitted.

"Does she hurt you?" Alex asked. The question had slipped out and she wished she could take it back.

"No, of course she doesn't," Olivia responded.

"But those bruises you used to have—"

"The ones from skateboarding?" Olivia asked.

"I noticed you don't have them anymore, at least not since you left New York," Alex pointed out.

Olivia just smiled at her. "I also don't skateboard anymore. I spend all of my spare time with you, not that I'm complaining. There really is no better way to spend it."

Alex knew there was something Olivia wasn't telling her. There had to be more to Olivia's home life, something she still hadn't revealed. While watching Olivia pack, she invited her to Natick once again but Olivia declined. As they were lying in each other's arms that night, Alex knew she wasn't going to get much sleep. She wouldn't see Olivia again until Sunday afternoon—three days of not being held by her and three days of worrying about her.


	6. Home Life

"_I was born a house cat by the slight of my mother's hand."_

Rick and Sharon Nichols, Alex's maternal grandparents, lived in a quaint house in Natick, Alex's favorite city after New York. Every time she walked into their house, she felt like a child again. Her grandparents spoiled her and, once they found out she had a girlfriend, they started spoiling Olivia as well. As the only grandchild, there were pictures of her all over the house ranging from pictures of her as a baby to pictures of her and Olivia in their Halloween costumes. Alex was surprised to learn that wasn't the only picture of Olivia her grandparents had. There were now pictures of her in her high school basketball uniform and one of her working in the tool shed with Alex's grandpa Rick. The two of them assembled a shelf for Alex's grandma, which wasn't a particularly difficult task, but Alex enjoyed seeing her girlfriend wearing a tool belt.

Alex spent the entire Thanksgiving morning helping her mother and grandmother prepare dinner. She was a horrible cook and the two of them wished Alex would watch football with her dad and her grandfather instead of making a mess in the kitchen. Alex's mind was on Olivia the whole time, which caused her to nearly drop a bowl of mashed potatoes and burn her mom's pumpkin bread. Alex started crying when she smelled the burned pumpkin bread and her mother rushed over to her side.

"Alexandra," she said as she held her daughter close. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Is it Olivia?"

"I'm so worried about her," Alex admitted. "I invited her over here, but she wouldn't come. She said she had to visit her mother."

Alex's grandma Sharon made her way over to her daughter and granddaughter. "Honeybee, I know you love the girl, but she needs to be with her mom."

"Mom, there's something wrong with that woman," Mrs. Cabot said. "I don't know what it is, but something about Olivia's home life isn't right."

"Alexandra!" Alex's grandpa called out.

"You better go see what that man wants," Mrs. Nichols urged her.

"What, Grandpa?" Alex called out on her way to the living room.

"Come look at cheerleaders with us," he insisted.

"Rick, she doesn't like cheerleaders," Mr. Cabot told his father-in-law.

"Sure, she does," Mr. Nichols told him. "Alexandra likes broads and anyone who likes broads likes cheerleaders. Grab yourself a beer, Alexandra."

Alex looked at him nervously. Was this a trick? It had to be a trick. "No, thanks, Grandpa. I don't drink."

Mr. Cabot shook his head at his father-in-law. "She's only eighteen. Alexandra is too young to drink."

"Eighteen is plenty old enough," her grandpa argued. "By eighteen, you had already knocked up my little girl."

"He didn't knock me up, Dad," Mrs. Cabot shouted from the kitchen. "We were married."

"Just barely," Mr. Nichols told his daughter. "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I know Alexandra was born nine months after your wedding day."

"Maybe I will stay in here," Alex told her grandpa in hopes that it would calm him down.

"But no drinking," Mr. Cabot told her.

"Why not?" Alex's grandpa asked him. "Let the girl drink beer and look at broads. It'll be good for her. You don't want her to grow up—weird—do you?"

"I'll watch the game with you, but cheerleaders aren't my type," Alex said as she made herself comfortable on the couch. "I like basketball players—one basketball player in particular."

"Alexandra isn't attracted to feminine young women," Mr. Cabot told him. "They aren't her type."

"I really don't have a type," Alex informed them. "If I have a type, it's Olivia and only Olivia. She's the only girl I've ever kissed and the only girl I've ever wanted."

"She's a good kid," Mr. Nichols told Alex. "Well, as good as you can get for a Yankees fan. Smart kid, though, knows her stuff when it comes to the sport—every sport, really. What d'ya know, I finally met a native New Yorker I can respect."

"Alexandra!" Mrs. Cabot called out. "Come here."

"But I'm looking at broads with Grandpa," Alex said and winked at her grandpa.

"Dad, what did I tell you about that word?" Mrs. Cabot asked. "It's demeaning."

"No, it's not," Mr. Nichols argued. "We used it all the time in dubya dubya two."

Mrs. Cabot just shook her head. "Dad, you weren't born until 1947 and Mom told me all about you two when you were Alexandra's age. You both were pacifists. You burned your draft card. You even dropped out of college and lived on a hippie commune just outside of San Francisco—where I was born out of wedlock and delivered by a midwife and then cared for by all the women in the community instead of just my parents."

"Count your blessings, young lady," Mr. Nichols told his daughter. "It was a hippie commune and we named you Jolene when you could have been named Moonbeam."

"You wanted Alexandra's middle name to be Starlight," Mrs. Cabot added. "Alexandra Starlight Cabot. I could just imagine that."

"Oh and that's worse than Alexandra Miriam Cabot?" Mr. Nichols asked. "That sounds like the name of a stuffy old broad or even worse—it sounds like the name of a lawyer. I swear to you, Jolene, if Alexandra grows up to be a lawyer it would be the death of me—the _death_, I tell you. It's bad enough you have her at Harvard and you married a CPA. Jolene, you never even taught Alexandra how to cook. That girlfriend of hers is an athlete—she's in training and she needs a home-cooked meal every now and then."

"Olivia is actually very independent," Alex told her grandpa. "She doesn't need me to do everything for her."

"It's not about needing you to," Mr. Nichols began. "She's like the man in the relationship and you're supposed to be taking care of your man. That's how society works. When you two are older, Olivia is going to be the breadwinner while you work until the children are born."

"You're amazing, Rick," Mr. Cabot said in his daughter's defense. "How is it that you managed to go from being a hippie to being a male chauvinist in a matter of minutes?"

"I think this is my cue to leave," Alex said in hopes that her absence would prevent an argument. "I have to call Olivia."

Alex grabbed her phone from her purse and hurried upstairs so she could have some privacy. When she checked the screen, she noticed only one text message, which was a 'happy Thanksgiving' message from Amber. There was nothing at all from Olivia and Alex was becoming even more worried than she already was. It wasn't like Olivia not to text her. She realized Olivia was with her mother, but Alex knew, regardless, she should have a few seconds to send her own girlfriend a text message. An internal debate began as to whether or not she should call Olivia. She missed her and she wanted to hear her voice, but what if calling her would upset her mother? Then again, why would it? It was going to be a quick phone call and it wasn't as if Olivia and her mother had guests; it was only going to be the two of them. With that in mind, Alex quickly pushed number two on speed dial and heard Olivia's phone start to ring. After ringing four times, it went to voicemail. Alex could have left a voicemail and gotten on with the rest of her day—but that wasn't good enough. She now had an even stronger need to hear Olivia's voice and to make sure she was okay. After the twentieth phone call, she finally received a response from Olivia.

"_Stop calling me_" was what the text message said.

"_Why? I need to hear your voice."_

"_Leave me alone Alex._"

"_How do I even know this is you"_

Less than thirty seconds after sending that message, Alex's phone started to ring. She looked at the screen and saw that it was Olivia calling her. As much as she wanted to hear her voice, she was hesitant to answer her phone for fear of Olivia saying something hurtful.

"Liv?" Alex asked.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia responded. There was something different about her girlfriend's voice. Alex could have sworn she was whimpering, but she didn't want to assume anything.

"Are you okay, babe?"

Olivia avoided the question. "Go spend time with your family. I'll see you on Sunday. I love you, Alex. You're my girl."

Alex wanted to tell Olivia that she loved her, too, but before she could get a single word out, Olivia had hung up. Alex found their entire conversation unsettling and she had no idea what to make of it. _Why did Olivia even go over there? She doesn't need her mom for anything. I know Olivia loves her, but why? She's verbally abusive and she doesn't deserve Olivia's love. _Before Alex could even attempt to stop herself, she felt a tear drop fall. _I need to do something about this. My girlfriend can't spend the rest of the weekend with that woman. What if she's hurting her?_

Alex wiped her tears and slowly left the room in hopes that her parents and grandparents wouldn't notice that she had been crying, but she knew there was no use in trying to hide it. Before Alex could even make it to the staircase, she saw her mom waiting for her.

"Come here, my little honeybee," Mrs. Cabot said to her daughter.

Alex didn't care how childish she might have appeared. She hurried over to her mom and started crying the moment she felt her mom's embrace. "How did you know?"

"I just know when my little girl has something on her mind," Mrs. Cabot said, gently running her hands up and down Alex's back.

"Why can't Olivia's mom treat Olivia the way you treat me?" Alex managed to ask through her sobs. "Olivia has so much love to give. Why can't her mom see that? Why can't she love her?"

"What happened to Ms. Benson isn't Olivia's fault," Mrs. Cabot began. "But she can't see that. She can't see the beauty that came out of what happened to her. Olivia is a good kid; she's a blessing, if you ask me."

"I know this sounds selfish, but I feel like Olivia was made especially for me."

"That's not selfish at all," Mrs. Cabot assured her. "I'm sure Olivia feels the same way about you. If she didn't, she wouldn't have given you that ring. I know it's only a matter of time before she gives you an engagement ring and your father and I are helping you two plan your wedding. If you want a wedding, I mean. Don't feel as if you have to have one."

"I want one," Alex told her. "I want to wear a beautiful dress and look like a princess for Olivia."

"None of that princess talk," Mrs. Cabot teased. "You're _my _princess. I'm not letting any other woman have you."

Alex started smiling. "You have to, Mom."

"Don't remind me. It's bad enough I know you're not a virgin anymore."

Alex's eyes bulged. "Mom!"

"I'm sorry," Mrs. Cabot told her. "Your father and I still like to pretend you're wearing a chastity belt."

"Mom?"

"Yes, Alexandra?"

"I don't know what to do about Olivia. I know I should try to enjoy this holiday, but I can't get her off of my mind," Alex admitted. "I'm so worried about her."

"There's nothing you can do," Mrs. Cabot told her. "Olivia isn't going to let you go over there and neither am I. She knows she's welcome here and, if she's ready, she'll come to you. You can't do anything to convince her."

It wasn't the answer Alex was hoping for, but she knew her mom was telling her the truth. There was no way her parents would let her go over there and, even if her mom were to join her, Olivia was far too stubborn to leave with them. The only thing Alex could do was try to enjoy the rest of the holiday and hope for the best for her girlfriend.


	7. Split Screen Sadness

"_I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me so I can say this is the way that I used to be. There's no substitute for time."_

The Friday after Thanksgiving, Alex was woken up at two in the morning for a Nichols' woman tradition: Black Friday shopping. After eating two plates full of Thanksgiving dinner, two servings of pumpkin pie, and watching football with her dad and her grandpa, Alex was exhausted. She fell asleep at eight o'clock that night, but that six hours felt like nowhere near enough sleep for her. Alex was emotionally exhausted and, what made matters worse, is that she couldn't even talk to her girlfriend. All she thought about on Thanksgiving was Olivia. She knew Olivia wasn't having the greatest Thanksgiving, but she found herself wondering about the trivial matters of Olivia's day. Was she watching football? Did she eat a good Thanksgiving dinner? Did her mom have any guests over? Did her mom finally apologize to her?

Alex loved Black Friday shopping with her mom and her grandma, but that morning all she thought about was Olivia and how much she missed her. She wanted her girlfriend by her side so she would know Olivia was being cared for.

Just as they did every year, Alex, her mom, and her grandma went over to the Natick Collection for their Black Friday shopping that began the moment the department stores opened their doors at four in the morning. Although it was supposed to snow that day, the stores were still as crowded as they were every Black Friday. The mall was warm inside, but Alex still kept her beanie on her head. It was the same one Olivia had given her before they became a couple and she decided to wear it as a way of feeling close to her girlfriend instead of just to keep warm. While her mom and grandma were scouring the racks at Macy's, they decided to send Alex on a coffee run.

"Here's ten dollars, sweetheart," Mrs. Cabot said to her. "Just get us the usual."

"Here's another ten," Mrs. Nichols told her as she handed over a crisp ten-dollar bill. "Get something for yourself, too."

As she walked over to Starbucks, Alex began wondering why they really brought her with them on Black Friday and she had a feeling it was because she was an extra pair of legs to send on coffee runs and an extra pair of arms to help hold all of their shopping bags. Despite all of her complaints, Alex enjoyed spending Black Friday with her mom and her grandma because it was the one day of the year when she felt as if the three of them were a team instead of three women from three different generations. Every Thanksgiving after dinner, the three of them would go through all of the ads and come up with a game plan for their shopping trip, so they would be able to go to every store they wanted before the sales ended. Macy's was always their first destination because it held the most memories for Alex's grandma. She always went Christmas shopping with her mother and grandmother there when she was young and she loved sharing that tradition with Alex. She only mentioned it in passing, but she hoped to continue that tradition if Alex had a daughter someday.

Alex returned from Starbucks with coffee for her mom and grandma and a bagel, yogurt, and peppermint coffee for herself. Shopping had always made Alex work up an appetite, so she at her breakfast while her mom and grandma dug through a pile of cashmere sweaters that had probably been neatly folded before the store opened. The Christmas music playing throughout the store made Alex feel even more lonesome and depressed. She wondered when Christmas music had gone from being about Santa Claus and playing in the snow to songs about missing the one you love. Alex wasn't heartbroken—she still had a girlfriend—but she couldn't help feeling as if her heart was about to break.

"Mom, can I get something for Olivia?" Alex asked once she was finished eating.

"Sure, I'll help you pick something out," Mrs. Cabot responded. "We still have to get something for your father, too."

Alex thought about the gift she had in mind for Olivia and there was no way she wanted her mom with her while she purchased it. "Actually, I was hoping I could go by myself—if you don't mind."

"Alexandra, you know I don't like us splitting up," Mrs. Cabot reminded her.

"Unless it's for coffee?" Alex asked with a sarcastic tone.

"For heaven's sake, Jolene. The girl is eighteen now. Let her shop by herself," Mrs. Nichols intervened.

"Fine," Mrs. Cabot told her daughter. "You can go by yourself. Just keep your phone on and make sure to answer it if I call you."

Alex gave her mom a hug. "Okay, I promise I'll answer."

"Do you need the credit card?" Mrs. Cabot asked.

"I already took it," Alex said as she held her mom's Macy's card up.

When she was sure they were no longer looking at her, Alex headed to the lingerie department. She was a grown woman now—a grown woman with a live-in girlfriend—and she wanted to do something special for Olivia this Christmas. Alex was going to get Olivia a gift she could open in front of everyone like she had done last Christmas, but when they were all alone she was going to give Olivia her _real _gift.

Alex knew she could go to Victoria's Secret, but that wasn't the look she wanted to achieve. She didn't want something sleazy—Olivia hated sleazy. She wanted something classy, something that would make her feel like a woman for her girlfriend. The moment Alex saw a red satin negligee with a sweetheart neckline, she knew it was exactly what she had been looking for. Feeling embarrassed for being in the lingerie section, Alex quickly grabbed an extra-small and made her way over to the cashier. She debated trying it on, but she decided not to because she wasn't ready to see herself that way although she couldn't wait for Olivia to see her in the negligee.

Alex tried to conceal the negligee in her shopping bag, but the bright red material showed through. Sensing her daughter's nervousness, Mrs. Cabot grabbed the shopping bag from Alex and held up the red negligee.

"I know Olivia isn't going to wear this," Mrs. Cabot told her.

Alex tried to be confident, but she knew it was no use. "I'm wearing it for her. It's part of her Christmas gift."

Mrs. Cabot let the negligee drop back into the bag. "And just what do you plan on doing while you're wearing that?"

"Mom, this is embarrassing. Can we please not talk about this in public?"

"When you said you were going to get her a gift, I was expecting you to get her some god awful Yankees memorabilia or some warm-up clothes, not this—this—"

"Negligee," Alex added. "It's just a negligee, Mom. It's in good taste and it leaves me fully covered. This is like wearing a sundress, Mom. It's not like I bought a leather teddy and a riding crop."

"Not this time, but that's probably next, Alexandra," Mrs. Cabot told her. "Besides, you don't have the boobs for this. Sweetheart, we barely got you out of a training bra this summer."

Alex had never been so embarrassed in her life. Not only did her mom just call her flat and cause a scene, she did so in front of thirty other women. No longer caring about the negligee, she left the bag with her mom and ran over to the car so she could be alone. As she sat in the car, she watched the snow start to fall and she began wishing she were a kid again. Those were the days when she'd be satisfied with just a gingerbread cookie and some hot chocolate while her mom and her grandma shopped. If she were a good girl, her mom would get her a new toy as a reward. Sometimes, she felt as if her mom was wishing they were still in those days as well. Alex was growing up faster than most eighteen-year-olds and her mother was well aware of that. What she _wasn't _aware of was that Alex's feelings were still easily hurt.

"Get out of the car," Mrs. Cabot said as she gently tapped on the window.

"Why?" Alex asked. "I'm not in the mood to be humiliated again."

"Alexandra!"

Alex reluctantly got out of the car and stood across from her mother. She had expected a confrontation, not a tight embrace from the woman who had just embarrassed her in front of the entire department.

"I'm sorry," Mrs. Cabot told her. "I know you're in love with Olivia and I know the two of you are intimate with each other, but there are some things I'm just not ready for. You're only eighteen, Alexandra. That's far too young to be wearing something like that."

"Then tell me that," Alex insisted. "Don't tell me I'm flat chested and compare me to a dominatrix. I wouldn't have gotten so upset had you just pulled me aside and told me I was too young."

"I returned the negligee," Mrs. Cabot told her.

"I figured you would," Alex responded. "Mom, I'm in love with Olivia and I want to look pretty for her. I want to look like a woman and not some teenage girl."

"But you _are_ a teenage girl and so is Olivia. There's nothing wrong with that, Alex. You have the rest of your life to look grown up. Enjoy being young while you still can. Olivia only has eyes for you even without that little red thing you bought. She still thinks you're beautiful."

"I wish she were here."

Mrs. Cabot fixed Alex's beanie and zipped up her jacket. "I know you do, sweetheart. If you're so concerned with looking pretty for Olivia, I can help you pick out something to wear for her on Christmas—something age appropriate. How about some cute matching pajamas for the two of you to wear on Christmas morning and a new dress for you to wear on Christmas day? We can even go to the make-up counter and pick out some new eye shadow for you."

"Okay," Alex said and smiled at her mom. "I already saw some cute pajama pants that would look great on Olivia."

By one o'clock that afternoon, the three of them were finished with shopping and they decided to leave the mall. The doorbuster sales had ended at the department stores and Alex had wanted to go with her dad to Best Buy for the all-day DVD sales. There was nothing in particular that she wanted, but she figured it was the perfect opportunity to pick up a few things for Olivia.

"Dad! I'm ready to go!" Alex said as she practically busted through the front door, but her dad barely heard her over the conversation he was having.

"Can you believe Dallas yesterday?" Mr. Cabot asked.

"Forget Dallas," Mr. Nichols said. "They've seen better days. I'm still upset about Green Bay losing to Detroit."

"I could care less about either team," Olivia told them. "I just like the Dallas Cowboys and Miami Dolphins cheerleaders. I was in heaven throughout the whole game. I like looking at them, but they're still nowhere near as beautiful as Alex."

"You see, Frank, this girl is normal," Mr. Nichols told his son-in-law. "I like this kid. Olivia, go get us some whiskey."

The excitement was almost too much for Alex to bear. Without caring if she was interrupting their conversation, Alex ran past the living room and into the kitchen to see her girlfriend. "Babe!" she said as she nearly tackled Olivia. "I missed you so much! I didn't expect to see you so soon."

Olivia gave her a kiss on the cheek and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. "You should have known I couldn't go more than a day without holding you."

"Can we go up to the guest room?" Alex asked her parents.

"Go ahead," Mr. Cabot told her. "But keep it PG-13."

"We will," Alex promised.

When they finally had their privacy, Alex urged Olivia to lie down next to her on the bed. She had no idea if cuddling was what her parents had in mind, but she didn't care. She wanted her girlfriend to hold her close. As Alex had her arm around Olivia's waist, she started playing with the hem of her shirt and was startled to see bruises on her girlfriend's side.

"Babe, what happened?" Alex asked.

"Skateboarding," Olivia said and tried to shrug it off.

"Olivia, your skateboard is at our apartment," Alex pointed out. "And it's snowing in New York. I know you didn't go skateboarding in the snow. She's hurting you, isn't she? How could she do this to you?"

"Alex, no," Olivia said angrily, but she changed her tone when she noticed her girlfriend was now crying. Alex's tears were Olivia's kryptonite and she could never stay upset when Alex cried.

"What did she do?" Alex asked.

"I'll tell you some other time," Olivia promised. "I'll tell you everything some other time."

"Are you going to be upset with me now?"

"No, of course not," Olivia responded. "I love you, Alex."

"Can I hold you for the rest of the day?" Alex asked. "Not just the rest of the day but for the rest of my life?"

Olivia lifted Alex's hand and held it up to her lips. "I'm not sure about that," she teased. "It'll be hard to play basketball if you're attached to me."

"Liv," Alex groaned.

"Alex," Olivia mimicked.

As grateful as she was for knowing that her girlfriend was safely with her, she was becoming tired of being kept in the dark. Alex wanted to know about Olivia's home life and she was determined to find out sooner or later.


End file.
